Grief (Pardon my harsh language)

Today my cousin is having a service, not the beautiful wedding I one day picture, or the baby shower because she would’ve been an amazing mother. No tomorrow she gets buried back to earth she goes. I have been randomly crying, screaming, and when I found out I was drinking a beer. I looked at it and immediately wanted another, so I poured it out for her and myself.

I havent gotten to grieve all the loss my family an I have experienced over the past few years. I’ve kept my head down and worked. Mainly because I know how easy it would be for me to become a drunk again. I know how easy it is for me to throw in the towel. As much as I’m a flower dancing , dirt worshipping hippie, I’m also the wilting flower who wont let water seep in.

I hate that I cant make it to be there for her funeral. I hate that I dont even have the money to bring her flowers. I cant stop sobbing, but am comforted by the fact that she’s everywhere now. She can travel the world now, yet shes in my heart.

Sarah, I grew up in a pretty evangelical time. I can’t say I’m that anymore,but if anyone showed me an example of being a child of God in our age group it was you. Your Lord makes beautiful things out of dust and you were His art. Please be my strength, because I don’t have anymore. Thank you an I’ll see you again one day.

If you’re struggling like I am, simplify things for yourself. If you know me I can make a yes or no question into a thesis paper. I’m going to allow myself to grieve now an if a situation isn’t a hard HELL YEAH it’s an absolute Fuck No. There is no middle ground for me right now. I’m open to talk, I’m more open to listen.

If you want to understand how on the outside I stay so Zen, please listen to this podcast I’m linking. Conciousness is all this is for me now. Accept it or don’t. Thanks to @thelitergist Pete Holmes, Mike and Michael Gungor for encapsulating how I’ve been feeling lately.

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