At the news of Chris Cornell’s suicide and today Chester Bennington I decided I wanted to write about my struggle with depression. At the age of 8 I started to have really bad migraines, my mom took me to a number of neurologic doctors an none found the cause. At the age of 12 I tried commiting suicide by overdosing. My uncle came to see me and playfully called me stupid and told me not to do it again. I had time in a rehabilitation and realised I had caused my parents stress.
At 13, that same uncle commited suicide. I had to comfort my grandmother, because I was one of the first people she told. I remember her saddness, her grief an I was so angry with him.
How could he just leave his boys? I knew, I knew how snatching the voice of depression could be. I knew feeling hopeless.
I got caught up in the wrong crowd an I started drinking, only when I became pregnant with my son did I stop.
My life was saved by my son
I got diagnosed with stage 3 cancer at 19. With the pain of my cancer, my anxiety, and my migraines I was overwhelmed. When youre in that dark place, I wish I could tell you to reach out to God, but I at the time was faithless.
OUTSIDE OF MY UNCLE, I LOST 2 MORE PEOPLE TO SUICIDE IN LESS THAN 5 YEARS.
I thought “so and so would be better without me.” I thought “People would move on, but I just can’t with the pain any longer.” I was reminded than of my cousins, my friends neices and nephews, and my son. I thought of all the life and love I wouldn’t be there to see.
couldn’t finish what I started out doing.
I know what it’s like to not have medications that help.
I know what it’s like to try multiple medications to help.
I know what its like not being able to afford therapy or medication (Im still in this boat) .
I know how incredibly hard it is, to reach out.
I understand how hard it is to quit drinking. I know how hard it is not to reach for a bottle.
I know how hard it is to deal with pain nothing helps.
I know how hard it is to say
“GIVE ME A BREAK.”
I need you to know, I know. You can let me know your struggle, but I’m not a doctor. If you need to talk to someone National Suicide Hotline
Know you are never alone, and someone out there loves you. Im married now, my son is 10. I have great days/weeks an I still have bad ones. I have coping methods like breathing, reading, praying and coloring.
IT GETS BETTER
I hope and wish the best for Chester and Chris’s family,friends and fans. Your music has helped me along the way, I am forever grateful.
You never HEAL all the way when someone you love commits suicide, life is a continued process of healing. One day you’ll hear a song and cry, that is them, still beating in your heart.